Robyn (Robbie) Canner was a single mum with little support around her when her son Scott was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma.
“It was a tough time,” Robbie says. “Everything happens so fast with this disease. We got the diagnosis, Scott went into hospital to begin treatment, and he never came home.”
The two years between diagnosis and that final farewell were a tumultuous ride. Robbie describes it as “going into a narrow tunnel” with no sense of how long that tunnel might be, or whether there would be any exits along the way. Robbie recalls hours sitting by Scott’s hospital bed, hours of worry and heartache, hours spent researching treatments recommended by his medical team and hours more researching treatments that were not. There was an overwhelming sense of helplessness as she watched her son face gruelling interventions in an attempt to contain and hopefully defeat his disease.
Sadly, that wasn’t to be.
Scott passed away two short years later, at just 22 years of age.
A few years after Scott’s death, Robbie found herself at home, alone, and wide awake in the early hours of the morning wishing she could see her son again. In the hopelessness of her grief and despair, she opened a bottle of champagne, and turned to the internet for help.
But she didn’t search for help for dealing with the emotions she was feeling. Instead, she searched for ways to commit suicide. “It’s a scary place your mind takes you,” she says.
The pages she found that night were shocking, and gave Robbie reason to pause.
In that pause, quite coincidentally, an invitation to enter a beauty pageant crossed Robbie’s screen. She completed the entry form for the Mrs Australia Quest on the spot — Why not? I’ll enter that! was her champagne-fuelled attitude — and didn’t give it another thought.
A couple of days later, Robbie received a phone call congratulating her on being a national finalist. (In what exactly? she wondered). In the Mrs Australia Quest. (Oh… the other night, the champagne…)
And so began Robbie’s journey into pageantry.
Today, Robbie holds the title – several of them, in fact, along with crowns, sceptres and sashes that go with them – of being the oldest winner of Ms World. She won that in 2018 at the age of 60, competing against women less than half her age. And she hasn’t stopped there.
Since then, Robbie has walked the runway at New York Fashion Week, launched the Ms Australia, New Zealand Oceania World Universal Pageant, and has become a highly sought-after pageant coach, judge, and mentor.
Pageantry isn’t just about the gowns and the glamour for Robbie, though. She has also long been involved with Tour de Cure, and she uses her platform to help raise funds for cancer research. In fact, it was Robbie who was instrumental in connecting Arrow with Tour de Cure. Robbie received some financial assistance from Arrow when her son Scott had his bone marrow transplant. Later she introduced the two organisations, and has helped to create a long-term partnership. Tour de Cure has supported Arrow over the past couple of decades, and just recently awarded us a grant to help with our patient support webinars.
Mother’s Day
When we asked Robbie about how she feels now about the loss of her son, especially with Mother’s Day approaching, she said, “It’s always a struggle. Every day is a struggle. You may be down, but you don’t have to stay there.
“I was always told, ‘It’s OK. You’ll move on. You’ll get over it. It’ll get easier. Well, you never move on, and you never get over it, but I just say – and this worked for me – allow yourself to go there, because there are so many ways out once you do reach that lower level. When I went right down into the pits of my despair, that’s when I realised that I did not want to visit my son yet.”
Scott is still a part of her everyday life, even though he’s no longer with her physically.
“I think of Scott every day. I go to bed every night wishing him good night and happy travels, and I wake up every morning saying good morning and hope he has a great day.”
And what would she say to other families who may be grieving the loss of a child this Mother’s Day?
“Special days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and birthdays, just add to the grief that never leaves you when you’ve lost a child. I often wonder leading up to days like these how other parents cope.
“One of the most upsetting parts is when some family and friends don’t feel they can contact you on these days, as they just don’t know what to say, or how to address the loss. This happened to me, and I felt so alone.”
And what would Robbie recommend people say if they have grieving parents in their network?
“Just be there. Let them know they’re not alone. Call and invite them to re-join life. ‘Hey, what are you doing on Saturday? Let’s go have dinner.’ Even just a text message with some kisses is sometimes enough. Just keep reminding people that you’re thinking of them, that you know grief is tough, but that life is still here and waiting for them. Be their exit point on that other long dark tunnel that can be so scary when they’re alone in early hours of the morning.
“Grief doesn’t go away. You don’t have to forget your loved one, or ‘move on’, but you can recover and remember how to live again one step at a time. I can’t change what has happened, but I can change my attitude around days like Mother’s Day by turning it into the day Scotty would want me to have.”
We wish all mothers a lovely Mother’s Day celebrating just the way your children, whether here or passed, would want you to.
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Robyn Canner is Ms World Universal Elite 2020/21, Ms World 2018/19, Director Ms Australia New Zealand Oceania World Universal Pageant. She is also a highly skilled massage therapist, working with top level athletes such as Ian Thorpe at the height of his Olympic career. Robyn is also sporty herself, paddling outrigger canoes, and acting as support crew for Tour de Cure.
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If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to
Lifeline on 13 11 14
or
the Suicide Call Back Centre on 1300 659 467.
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